Girl All the Bad Guys Want
by Jacalyn Hyde
Summary: Rodolphus Lestrange interacting with Bellatrix after their first break up. Set during their fourth year at Hogwarts. Rating is for language, drug use, and implied teen sex. Titles are from Bowling for Soup songs... Complete. Sequel canceled.
1. Sad Sad Situation

Bellatrix was never really a masochist. Pain was the only constant in her life for such a long time that she clung to it in order to feel secure. She convinced herself that was she positively addicted to pain: anything and anyone that could hurt her. That some combination of torture and poisonous relationships would get her through forth year and whatever catastrophe happened then that she never really told me about. So, she hated pain, but it was all she knew, so she held on to it and craved it and played whatever role she thought was necessary to survive.

She was sadist, yes, I want to deny that but I can't... If she thought someone deserved to suffer, she happily inflicted pain on them. It was much more than that though. Before fourth year, she'd just used simple jinxes on anyone who said something bad about her. But, later, she no longer needed a _reason_ to fight. She punched a fifth year Gryffindor in the face for no apparent reason and I know she'd been practicing Unforgivable Curses on animals and sneaking out after hours to do so. Torture was a vice, an escape, but not a way of life. Everyone thinks that, but it isn't true. I know that because I know her better than anyone. Because I actually care, even if she doesn't.


	2. Bipolar

Bellatrix was the only person who ever called me Rod, everyone else addressed me by my given name or nicknames like Roddy (which she said sounded too childish) and Dolphus (which, she commented once, sounded oddly similar to "dolphin," and that was the funniest thing I'd ever heard, though mostly because she was the one who had said it).

According to her sisters, Trixie was the nickname Bellatrix had given herself as a child, apparently because it sounded like "tricky." I called her that because she'd told me too, but I thought Bella suited her much better. "Beautiful Bella," I'd called her exactly once, some time before our first break up, stupidly thinking that because she and I were a couple, I'd be permitted to call her something no one else was allowed to.

Her exact response to that had been "Don't _ever_ _fucking_ call me Bella!" Which is why I was so confused when, just before our fourth year started, she changed her mind and ordered everyone to call her that.

I began to think of Bellatrix as two separate people, Trixie being the mischevious but sweet girl I knew and loved and Bella being the malicious and Dark version of her who I had never seen before. Of course, that was pointless, it wasn't just her name she'd changed, she was almost a completely different person. I couldn't stand that and resolved to do two things: to find out what had happened to change her that way and to never lose her.


	3. Don't Let it Be Love

I didn't lose her. She broke up with me. Said we were different people and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with me after all. That made no sense to me because I was convinced we were soul mates. After all, how could I possibly have such deep and intense feelings for someone who didn't love me back?

I couldn't think of anything to say but finally settled for, "What do you want to tell our parents, then?" Her parents had found out that we'd had sex and agreed with mine that she and I should get married before we did something else to ruin our families' reputations. Despite protests from both of us, they'd began announcing our engagement at their numerous social events.

Pureblood kids had only one reason to ever envy someone from a half blood or mudblood family: their right to choose and the fact that they, unlike us, were allowed a time of actual childhood and carefree innocence. Most pureblood were forced into arranged marriages. I was lucky enough to escape one and Bellatrix's parents were "trusting her to choose for herself." I was the first boy her parents had seen her with, so they'd assumed, stupidly, just as I had, that she'd want to marry me someday.

Love wasn't a word in most of our vocabularies. The majority of us were isolated as children, ignored by our parents and raised by nannies or even house elves. A few of us were lucky enough to meet other children, but most of us knew only our immediate family members until we started school.

Bellatrix was the first girl I'd ever seen and we clicked instantly. We were best friends from the day we met, almost inseparable. It seemed too good to be true to realize that I loved her. That she and I could have something most of our kind would never know. Sure, we were from the purest and greatest of all wizarding families but our mission was saving our dying blood lines, populating our family trees. We were to find someone equally pure, have children with that person and then somehow manage to tolerate them for the rest of our lives. Love was supposed to be the least of our concerns.

But Trixie and I were different. Or so I thought...

Well, apparently, it was too good to be true after all.


	4. I Don't Know

When I asked Bellatrix what she wanted to tell our parents concerning why we'd broken up, it was really because she hadn't given me a reason for it. I was hoping she'd explain a little better if it for their benefit.

What she finally said was, "We don't need to tell them anything." That didn't exactly answer my question and it only confused me further.

"We have to tell them something, Trixie. Don't you think they'll notice it if-"

"_Bella_." She interrupted to correct me.

"Bella." I amended with a sigh. "Sorry."

Why she'd changed her nickname in the first place was surprisingly high on my long list of questions for her. I'd asked before and she said she didn't know.

With Bellatrix there were two kinds of "I don't know." The "I genuinely don't know" and the "I don't want to tell you." She'd been giving the later of those a lot recently.

But, of course, the questions my mind was really screaming to voice were, "Why are you breaking up with me?" and "What did I do wrong?"

I told her I loved her with all my heart, more than life itself. I said I'd do anything for her and everything I had to give was hers, she didn't even have to ask for it.

She said that wasn't enough.

So I asked her what was. What more could I do? What more did she want? What more could she ask for?

Bellatrix shook her head, and, breaking my heart all over again, she just walked away. I grabbed her left wrist before she got too far. She hissed like that touch had actually hurt her, so I let go. She glared at me and tugged her sleeve down further, like she was hiding something.

I managed to whisper a single word, "Why?"

And once again, she said she didn't know.


	5. A Friendly Goodbye

_It's a little after midnight and Bellatrix and I are side by side (but not touching) on our favorite couch in the Slytherin common room. Thankfully, no one else is around to over hear our conversation. Everyone else has gone to bed but she and I always stay up late to study together. And by study I mean talk. And by talk I mean make out. _

_We'd been doing just that when she randomly pulled away. _

_I ask if something's wrong. She shakes her head so I gently place a hand behind her head and try to initiate another kiss. _

_She pushes me away. "Rod... can we _not_..."_

_"Sure," I say, tempted to point out that it was her idea in the first place. I try to drape an arm over her shoulder or pull her into a hug but she squirms away from those attempts. Finally, I'm forced to settle for sitting beside her in silence. _

_"Rodolphus," she whispers my name after a few uncomfortable minutes. It sounds so odd coming from her, I think we were eleven the last time she called me anything but Rod. _

_I ponder that and stare at her, but she's not looking at me. And then, "I think we should break up." She says that staring at her shoes, like she's talking to them and not me. _

_"What?" I manage to gasp. "Why?" _

Damn, damn stupid flash back! It's bad enough I see it constantly in my dreams, but now I'm forced to relive that night every time I see her. Which, considering the fact that we have every class together and share countless mutual friends, is often enough to make me want to kill myself.

Why doesn't she want me anymore? What did I do wrong? Why won't she just tell me?

And why is she talking to Evan Rosier now? Why is she cocking her head to the side and smirking like she always does with me when she wants me to kiss her?

Used to do with me, I correct myself. When she _wanted_ me to kiss her.

I have to start thinking in the past tense when it comes to that relationship. And in the meantime I need to do some thinking in the present. Apparently she's already moved on, it hasn't even been a week yet, but it's obvious she has.

Why can't I...? What can't I... _What__?_ Move on? Stop thinking about her?

Because it's **impossible**.


	6. Scaring Myself

_I will not stare at Bellatrix._

_I will not scream, or burst into tears, or punch some random mudblood. _

_I will not picture Bellatrix naked._

_I will not order Evan Rosier to stay away from her._

_I will not bang my head against the table. _

_I will not stare at Bellatrix._

_I will not bang my head against the table. _

_I will not..._

Dammit! There's still more than an hour left of Potions class. I'm coping by mentally making myself write sentences. Some orders are more urgent than others but the repetition is starting to annoy me.

Shaun Avery, Evan Rosier, Bellatrix and I are in a group, working on a sleeping potion. Bellatrix, as always, is our self-appointed leader. She's got Avery measuring ingredients and Rosier referencing the instructions. She looks at me and mutters my name like it's a question.

I meet her eyes with more boldness than I actually feel and put an obedient expression on my face. She must sense some of my heartache because she shies away from our eye contact before I do. I'm usually the one who pulls away first. She's intense and even when we were together it was sometimes more than I could stand.

"Um," she murmurs finally. "Do you mind taking notes?"

"Of course not." I consent. She nods and goes back to stirring the cauldron.

_Um, Do you mind taking notes? _Six words, assuming "um" counts as an actual word. And my response was three. Nine words. Wow, that's the longest conversation we've had since the break up. It's almost hard to believe we used to talk for hours. Really, though, I'm just happy she said something other than "I don't know."

I wish Bellatrix and Avery hadn't traded seats. When she sat next to me, I could turn my head and stare at her as much or as little as I pleased. Now she's directly across from me and next to Rosier. What was the point in that trade anyway? The cauldron's in the middle of the table, she can access it just as easily from her old seat.

I've began addressing Shaun and Evan by their last names, like we're in different Houses or like we were never friends. The three of us are roommates, and less than a week ago they were my best friends aside from Bellatrix of course. But they took her side, they fear her but now both of them are showing a more than subtle interest in her.

I can't seem to think of Bellatrix as Black though. I can refuse to call her Bella and even rebelliously think of her as Trixie, for all the good that does, but I never want to be on anything less than a first name basis with the girl who is simultaneously the bane of my existence and the purpose of it.

_I will not bang my head against the table. _

_I will not drink our unfinished sleeping potion and hope it kills me._

_I will not stare at Bellatrix._

_I will not..._


	7. Ack!

(A/N: I want to extend a major thank you to everyone who reviewed this one. I usually write much longer stories but I'm thrilled this little dabble collection evolved into whatever it currently is... I'm glad you like it anyway. Do you want longer chapters or is the short, sweet, and too the point format better? Do you like the first person present tense narration? How about the minimal dialogue?... I take requests and suggestions too... -Lia.)

Professor McGonnagal asks me to stay after Transfiguration. Before I can ask what I did wrong, she tells me Bellatrix is practically failing her class. That shocks me. Sure Bellatrix hates her and has repeatedly commented on the pointless of the class, but, regardless, she's always been a good student.

I say I'll tell Bellatrix about it and offer to help her. I don't want to and I doubt she'll accept it anyway, but it's the right thing to do.

After I leave the Transfiguration class, I go to the Great Hall for lunch and take my usual seat next to Bellatrix and across from Rabastan.

Lunch time is the third most unbearable time of the day. The second is dinner and the first is spending time before bed in the Slytherin common room watching Bellatrix like the obsessed stalker I am and attempting to get some actual homework done.

Bellatrix sends me a look that says "why are you late?" but seems to decide that question isn't worth the effort of acknowledging me in order to get an answer. I save her the trouble but in a more creative way.

I scribble, _McGonagall says you need to do better in her class,_ on a sheet of parchment. I hesitate before adding, _I can help you if you want me to. _

Then I slide the note to her along the table. My brother Rabastan notices that and comments, "You two still aren't talking to each other?"

I shake my head and Bellatrix shrugs impassively.

"Well," Rabastan concludes. "I'm not talking to either of you until you both come to your senses."

I smile for the first time in days because I can see Bellatrix is thinking the same sarcastic thought that I am: _You're talking to us now, aren't you? _

"What are you trying for, then?" Rabastan tries another approach, he's been trying to get us back together, I appreciated it at first, but it's starting to get annoying.

I surprise myself by answering his question. "I want her to explain _why_ she broke up with me." I avoid looking at Bellatrix as much as possible.

"Okay," Rabastan nods, diplomatically, like he's moderating a debate between us. "And Bellatrix, what do you want?"

"I..." She gets out a single word, a single letter and hesitates. It's weird to see Bellatrix at a loss for words, she's usually so outspoken, even finishing my sentences sometimes. Then she shakes her head like the question is some impossible riddle. She pulls out a quill and scratches something onto the note I passed her, then sighs, stands, and walks out of the room without looking back.

Stunned, I pick up the note and scan her message: _I'll think about it. _


	8. Friends O' Mine

It's dinner time, but I've decided skipping the meal is a small price to pay in order to avoid Rabastan's attempt at couples' counseling and Bellatrix's more-obvious-than-necessary efforts to avoid talking to me. Or just avoid me in general.

That doesn't bother me as much as it should but the truth is, I still want her in my life just as much as I want her out of it. In the meantime, I'm leaning against the wall across from the fireplace in the Slytherin common room and feigning interest in my Transfiguration homework.

I decide to just let my thoughts wander and end up accomplishing nothing. Soon, students are returning from dinner so I'm forced to put more effort behind my "doing homework" charade, because that is preferable to actually doing homework, I guess.

The Carrow twins are among the first to disturb my peace and quiet. Alecto and Amycus are purebloods, so they're automatically grouped among the "cool" Slytherins. They're a year younger than me and usually keep to themselves and only talk to each other, which is why I'm surprised when the girl- Alecto -asks if I'm alright.

I nod and watch her and her brother set up a game of Wizard's Chess.

"You're not really studying, are you?" Alecto demands after a minute of watching me just as much as I've been watching her. I shake my head and consider asking if she has some psychic abilities or something. She smiles and offers to let me play whoever wins the first round of chess but I politely decline.

I have a Transfiguration essay I should be writing. Which reminds me, so does Bellatrix. Whatever reason she's failing the class for, it's not for lack of ability, she catches on faster than just about anyone... So, it must be the homework, she's not doing it. But why? What is she doing instead that's so important? I guess it doesn't really matter, because I promised I'd help her and _that's_ all that matters.

Bellatrix's first year sister Andromeda interrupts my thoughts to ask me if I know where Bellatrix is. One quick look around the common room tells me she's not there. The rest of our usual group is gone too.

"No, I haven't seen her," I answer. "Have you? Was she at dinner?"

"We're not on speaking terms," Andromeda comments cynically instead of answering. I don't bother to tell her that Bellatrix is barely speaking to me either, and instead ask why.

"She caught me talking to a group of Huffelpuffs."

When I ask what's wrong with that, she just laughs and says, "You _sure_ Bella's your soulmate?"


	9. Baby One More Time

I barely slept last night but the end result is good. I have two essays ready for grading. The first is just average work in my handwriting and the second is a piece I'm actually proud of which I wrote with an oddly convincing imitation of Bellatrix's handwriting.

I find her in the common room, thankfully alone, sitting on the couch I used to think of as "ours," hugging her knees and looking anxious. I decide it's better not to ask where she was last night.

"Hi," I mumble to get her attention.

"What do you want?" I can tell she means it to sound hostile but it doesn't come across as any degree beyond casual. Maybe she doesn't _entirely_ hate me?

I find myself momentarily speechless and finally just shove the essay at her.

Once she realizes what it is, she looks torn between mocking me and hugging me, of course it's pushing my luck to hope for the later...

"Rod, that was so nice of you," she mutters after a few seconds, sounding sincere. And that's what I did it for. I'd give anything- ANYTHING -to see her smile again or hear her laugh. She hasn't done either of those for the longest time, even before we broke up. But, for now, the genuine thanks is good enough for me.

I nod and start to walk away. I've already started back upstairs and began counting the words of our latest conversation when she calls after me. It's a whisper, so soft I think I must have wished it into existence, imagined it. But it's my name none the less, so I turn around hopefully and walk back toward her.

She stands, right in front of me, we're exactly the same height and there's less than a foot of space between us now. Before I can ask what she wants, she leans in to plants a quick kiss on my cheek. She takes a step back and looks at me as if to say "Is this okay?"

I want to scream "Yes!" as much as I want to scream "No!" But I don't get a chance to give into either impulse because Bellatrix steps foreward again and my lips are crushed against hers.

_Oh Merlin! How I've missed this! It's almost..._

I catch myself.

_...Too good to be true. _

And then her real intentions hit me. I'm hurt and disgusted, but somehow stay calm.

As gently as possible, I push her away. She gapes at me, looking confused and even offended.

"Bella, _no_." I sigh. "I don't want sexual favors for doing your homework for you... I'm not that kind of guy."

I somehow refrain from stating that I didn't think she was that kind of girl either. Because she _wasn't_, not before, not with me.

She chews on her lower lip for a few seconds, like she always does when she's nervous, but biting down harder than usual. "Well," she murmurs weakly. "What do you want, then?"

_I want you to tell me why I mean absolutely nothing to you now, _I think._ I want you to stay the hell away Avery and Rosier. I want... Dammit, I want _**Trixie**_ back... _

"Let me call you Trixie," I finally say. She shakes her head and shoves the essay back at me. She starts to walk away, but I'm sick of her leaving so I call after her. I tell her to just take it and she hesitantly obliges.


	10. Two Seater

Alecto Carrow and I have gotten very close over the past few days. I've isolated myself from my old friends and she had a fight with her brother. We're both alone now so we're kindred spirits, it makes sense that we should stick together.

Right now, the two of us are sitting on the floor of the Slytherin common room with a chess board between us. I've lost track of how many games we've played. Alecto takes the game too seriously for it to be much fun for me but I still find it preferable to talking.

I send a pawn in front of Alecto's bishop, hoping she'll take it. I'm not losing on purpose, but I do like watching the pieces shatter and then put themselves back together for then next game. She asks if I did that on purpose, if the suicidal move was part of my strategy. I just shrug, I think we've played enough games for her to know I don't strategize well.

While she considers her next move, I let my eyes wander around the common room. I'm looking for Bellatrix and I convince myself it's just to make sure she's okay. She's curled up on a couch- _our_ couch -with her head on Rosier's shoulder. He looks content but Bellatrix seems unhappy about something...

"Roddy, it's your turn," Alecto tells me impatiently.

I look away from Bellatrix long enough to glance at the chess board. "Um, knight to E- five," I command absentmindedly then I turn my obsessed eyes back to my ex-girlfriend. Rosier is kissing all along her hairline now, her cheeks and her neck. She doesn't exactly seem to be enjoying it, but she's not making any move to stop him either.

_I wonder if he's doing her homework,_ I think. And then I mentally kick myself. _Damn, I shouldn't have looked..._

"Queen to E- five," Alecto mutters, sounding quite pleased with herself. I turn just in time to see the knight shatter into countless porcelain pieces. I pretend to be disappointed for a few seconds before I send another worthless pawn in front of the queen, toward inevitable destruction. It's only the latest casualty in this game I can't seem to stop playing.

Alecto finally sees what I've been staring at. She sighs then turns back to the game board, seeing my latest stupid move. "You're kind of the self-sacrificing type, aren't you?" She asks. We both know she's not just talking about chess.


	11. Friends Like You

(A/N: This chapter is for Sarah- Lewrahfanfics -who has been so helpful with the process of writing this fic and requested some Alecto X Rodolphus here. Rod is obviously still obsessed with Bellatrix, but Alecto's feelings should become clear pretty soon. Sorry this is shorter than usual, the next one will be longer, I promise... Please enjoy. -Lia.)

I'm really glad Alecto and I have each other. She's thoughtful and understanding, just the kind of friend I need right now. I know it's incredibly selfish of me, but I do hope that she and Amycus don't resolve their differences for some time. I like it with just the two of us.

We don't talk much, but when we do, Alecto has a lot to say. Sometimes, we'll discuss pureblood ideals, though there's not much to say there, just the same rules and values that have been pounded into our skulls since the day we were born. We're better than anyone else, everything in the magical world is rightfully ours, and it's our duty to uphold that power and gain even more. Alecto says she's never questioned those beliefs, so I decide not to tell her that I do occasionally.

If she did find out, though, I doubt she'd do much more than hit me over the head with something and then lecture me until I started thinking properly again. Bellatrix, however, would probably murder me on the spot... _Why does that thought make me smile? _

I'm really not certain what Alecto has to gain from our friendship, but she's doing two tremendous favors for me, whether or not they're intentional: She's improving my skills playing Wizard's Chess and also keeping my mind off Bellatrix as much as possible, and I really do appreciate that...


	12. Epiphany

"It's all about strategy," Alecto tells me. "If you plan it right, you can beat anybody."

I don't bother asking if she's talking about chess or just life in general because her advice could apply to either. It's dinner time and Alecto and I are sitting across from each other at the Slytherin table. The chessboard she never goes anywhere without is set up between us and we're directing our pieces between bites. It seems like I would get tired of this game, but I haven't yet.

In response to her statement, I sarcastically point out that I'm so distracted now that, at this point, a flobberworm could beat me. I expect her to roll her eyes or tease me- that's what Bellatrix would have done -but she laughs instead. She giggles like I'm something truly amusing.

Just a few seats away, I can't help glancing at Bellatrix every few seconds. Obviously, she's noticed that I sit with Alecto at meals now, but she hasn't commented on it. I didn't expect her to care, but, based on the glare she's sending me now, it's clear she does.

I shy away from her hateful look and turn my attention back to the game. "Queen to F- six," I direct, capturing Alecto's remaining bishop and hopefully convincing her that I have been paying attention the whole time.

"Nice move," she admits, looking genuinely surprised. Then she sends her castle to destroy my queen, strictly out of revenge. She doesn't like losing, especially not in anything that involves strategizing.

I make another move, putting her king in check. I take a sip of pumpkin juice while she stares at me speechlessly. "What can I say?" I tease, "You're a great teacher."

Alecto stares at the board, apparently rethinking her strategy because she's used to always playing the offense. While she plans her next move, I sneak another impulsive glance at Bellatrix.

She's holding a steak knife and looking around warily, like she thinks she's being watched, which, she is, by me, of course. I hope she doesn't notice me though because I want to see what she does next. Once she seems satisfied that no one can see her, she pulls a napkin off her lap and wraps the knife in it. Then she reaches under the table to drop that bundle into her school bag.

_Oh Merlin! That explains everything... _

"Roddy?" Alecto's voice pulls me away from my racing thoughts. I see she's made a defensive move so I do the same. My king isn't in danger at the moment, but I feel better if I'm protecting something. Next, Alecto takes her turn and I take that opportunity to lose myself in my upsetting realizations once again.

_The knife... flinching in pain when I grabbed her arm... always wearing long sleeves... It all makes perfect sense: Bellatrix is cutting herself... _


	13. She's Got a Boyfriend Now

I can't stand the thought of Bellatrix in pain. Especially not if she's inflicting it on herself. I remember her buying a short hunting knife before school started and, just a week ago, the cutting tool from her potions kit was dulled. _How did I not notice this before? _

Imagining her hurt makes me sick. Her beautiful skin torn, bleeding. _I have to do something, I have to... Where is she? _

Panicking a little, I look around the common room and actually sigh in relief when I find her. She's on the floor in front of the fireplace, hugging her knees and looking like there's somewhere else she'd rather be. Rosier is sitting behind her, massaging her shoulders and looking impatient. _Does he know? _

The two of them sit together in classes and at meals, but I've never seen them actually having a conversation and the only time I see them do anything remotely romantic is at night in the common room. Sure, I hate Rosier, but I am glad that he seems to care about her at least. She deserves that and so much more.

Throughout our relationship, I treated her like a princess. It took me forever to figure out that wasn't what she wanted. Maybe Rosier will get it soon...

"You okay?" Alecto asks, urgently, getting my attention again. I wonder how long I've been staring at Bellatrix and Rosier.

"I'm fine... I'm, um, I'm worried about her." I confess. Alecto ignores that and asks if I want to play another round of chess. She's still upset I managed to beat her earlier.

I make up some excuse to say no. Then, I pull out some homework and then sigh when she leaves me alone.

_What am I going to tell Bellatrix? How can I help her?_


	14. Down for the Count

All purebloods instinctively hold grudges, but some families are more extreme than others. The Blacks, for example, have disowned family members for even the simplest trespasses. Most siblings in pureblood families refuse to speak to each other for weeks after any argument, no matter how petty.

Alecto and Amycus still haven't forgiven each other yet and Bellatrix and Andromeda haven't either. Rabastan and I didn't actually have a fight but he's been talking to Bellatrix more than me since the breakup... It's hurts to realize that you can't always count on family.

That's a rather depressing thought, but it does give me an idea.

I find Andromeda in the library with a large group of first and second year girls. There are representatives from every house present but I can't help noticing that she's the only Slytherin.

"Hi, Andy," I mutter, getting her attention. I use the name her friends call her, hoping that will help us start off on good terms. She's probably not so excited about doing a favor for the ex-boyfriend of a sister who's refusing to speak to her anyway, but it's worth a try. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Andromeda sighs but nods and follows me to a quiet corner of the library. She tells me everyone calls her Dromeda now, and that if Bellatrix can randomly change her nickname, she doesn't see why she can't. I make some weak comment on how the new name suits her personality and she asks what I really wanted to talk about. So, I tell her, not everything, of course, but enough.

"So, you're worried that Bella's hurting herself?" She asks when I finish. "But what do you want me to do about it?"

"I was kind of hoping you'd, um... talk to her."

"We're not speaking to each other."

"Yes, but she's your _sister_."

"She's _different_ now, Rodolphus, she's practically psychotic." Andromeda argues. I open my mouth to protest, but I can't think of anything to say, so I let her continue. "She threatened to put the Cruciatus Curse on me if she caught me talking to any more muggle-borns."

"You talk to mudbloods?" I exclaim in shock, the words are out before I have a chance to consider them.

"Yes, I do." She answers after sending me a death glare almost as scary as Bellatrix's. "And, _of course_, you're more upset that I'm breaking some ancient taboo than you are that your ex is practicing Unforgivable spells." Her words are sarcastic and angry. "So, maybe you and Bella are perfect for each other after all. This intolerance... I just... I'm sick of it!"

She stamps her foot to punctuate the rant effectively and I sigh in frustration as she turns to walk away. I'm amazed, actually. The Blacks are even more strict than the Lestranges when it comes to enforcing pureblood standards. It's a wonder that Andromeda came up with this "they're not so bad" attitude all on her own.

I decide to go with my Plan B, which means writing a letter. I summarize what I know about Bellatrix's depressed state, her relationship with Rosier, and her new-found obsession with sharp objects into a few paragraphs, then sign it formally and head for the owlery.

I borrow one of the school's owls and order it to take the letter to Narcissa Black. I hope Bellatrix's other sister has some advice because, if not, it looks like I'll have to talk to Rosier about the situation and I'd really prefer to avoid _that_ conversation.


	15. Running From Your Dad

It's early morning. Alecto and I are some of the first people at the Slytherin breakfast table. We're talking about our classes, finally something other than chess and family values. Our conversation is interrupted by the usual chaos of a huge group of owls delivering the morning post.

I wasn't expecting a reply from Narcissa so soon, so I almost choke on my mouthful of scrambled eggs when an owl drops a letter onto my plate. I somehow manage to swallow properly then I pick up the letter for examination. I_ have a bad feeling about this..._

It's addressed "Dear Rodolphus" in a script much too formal to belong to a ten year old girl. The message itself is brief, but long enough to worry me. And the overly-polite farewell is finalized with "-Your future father in law, Cygnus Black."

I push my plate out of the way and bend over enough to slam my head against the table. _Shit! I didn't mean to get her parents involved. Bellatrix is going to kill me._

"What is it?" Alecto demands as I sit up again and attempt to calm down.

"It's Bellatrix," I admit. "I probably should have just left her alone though."

"Yeah, you probably should have," She comments coldly with a sigh of annoyance.

She doesn't say anything else, so I turn my attention back to the letter.

I don't blame Narcissa, of course, she's young, naive, and very worried about her sister. At her age, it makes sense that she'd think her father could solve everything and she did mean well.

Mainly the letter states that, just in case either of us have forgotten, Bellatrix and I are still engaged and whatever sort of relationship she's initiated with Rosier is completely inappropriate. _I told her we should have said something to our parents... _Cygnus also states that he will write to Bellatrix to remind her of that but he's made no comments on her self-mutilation, though I really don't know why that surprises me.


	16. All Figured Out

I find Bellatrix in the common room after dinner. She's been sitting with Avery, Rosier, and Rabastan's friend, Antonin Dolohov, who got a tattoo last year of a snake wrapped around a skull on his left wrist. I think the design is ugly but for some odd reason Bellatrix loves it.

She's sitting on Rosier's lap and ignoring the fact that he's stroking her hair. She laughs at something Dolohov says and seems content, but she instantly becomes livid the moment she spots me.

"Lestrange, you idiot!" She shrieks, walking over to me with a murderous expression. "You ruined everything!" Before I have a chance to react, she slaps me hard across my face, her unnaturally sharp fingernails scraping my cheek in the process.

I let out a grunt of pain and then somehow manage to speak. "Okay, I deserved that, but I didn't mean any harm, Bella. I was just trying to... I was worried about you."

"_Worried?_" Bellatrix asks, mockingly. She raises her left hand to strike me again but I catch her wrist before she can. She snarls like that hurts, so I loosen my grip without letting go completely. On an impulse, I roll up her sleeve and turn her arm over. I'm expecting to see cuts and scratches, but what's actually there shocks and confuses me so much that I drop Bellatrix's arm.

"So, _what_?" I manage. "You liked Dolohov's tattoo so much you decided to get one just like it?"

"Yeah," She confirms, angirly tugging her sleeve back down. "Something like that."

It's horrible. _Why?_ is the most urgent of my many questions, but, for some reason, it's not the one I choose to voice first. What I actually say is, "When did you get it?"

"Two weeks ago," Bellatrix answers finally. That's odd, because she also broke up with me two weeks ago.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were cutting yourself, that's why I was worried."

"I was," she says, shocking me once again, and using a calmer tone, one that's not exactly friendly, but not entirely hostile either. "I used to." She pulls up the sleeve on her right arm and holds it out for me to examine.

The cuts I'd been expecting and fearing to see are all along her forearm. But, a closer look tells me that none of them are very recent. The clearest of them looks like it's at least a week old. "You _used_ to?" I inquire.

"Right," she nods. "I have better things to do now."

I can't help asking about the knife she stole from the Great Hall yesterday. She tells me she wants it just in case. I avoid asking "In case of what?" and decide to just be content with the few answers she gives me. Apparently, McGonnagal confiscated her old one when she caught Bellatrix cutting, yet another reason for her to decide she hates the Transfiguration teacher.

"Well, do you want a healing potion?" I ask, perfectly aware of how stupid that sounds. "To get rid of the scars?" She shakes her head so I finally move on to my most urgent question: "Why, Bella, why did you cut yourself? Why did you get that tattoo? Why do you sneak out almost every night? Why-"

She holds up a hand to make me stop asking questions. "I don't know," She says finally. _I want to scream, I want to shake her, I want to go jump off the Astronomy Tower._ Naturally, right when we make some connection, right when I think I have everything all figured out, right when she begins to let me into her life again, is when we end up right where we started.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, sincerely. And this time, _I'm _the one who walks away first.


	17. Get Happy

(A/N: If you're reading my "Bellatrix the Strange" series, a similar scene to this one will appear in a later chapter of that fic. The two stories are not related but I thought this would fit nicely here, let me know what you think. By the way, what is the plural form of "patronus"? Thanks. -Lia.)

I really wish Alecto was in my year or I was in hers. She's made meals and after hours times much more bearable but I could use some one to talk to in classes.

I'm in my Defense Against the Dark Arts class now. After three class periods of lecturing the class on dementors and patronus charms, Professor Pullman is finally allowing us some hands-on experience.

"_Expecto Patronum,_" I mutter a few times, lazily flicking my wand and attempting to focus on a happy memory. Last summer, Bellatrix and I taught ourselves this spell, we'd cast our patronus and try to make them race or play with each other. Mine is a labrador dog and hers is a raven.

I smile, recalling those days. _Yeah, that'll work. _I focus and cast the spell again, conjuring my patronus and sending it bounding around the room amid all the other smokey animal-manifestations of happiness. I don't see Bellatrix's among them though, so I glance at her seat. Her hand is raised and she's looking more focused than she has in months.

"Um, Professor," She begins with her usual "good student" pretense. "I was wondering, why do we need to know all this? It is interesting, but what are the odds that any of us will encounter a demenotor? Or spend time in Askaban?"

The teacher explains that those are unlikely, but it is his job to prepare us for any sort of Dark force we may or may not ever come across.

"It's not that hard, Black," Rosier assures Bellatrix once the professor leaves our table. "I know you're capable of happiness, just try it. Think about last night if you want to."

I feign a sudden fascination in my textbook._ I hope he's not implying what I think he's implying... Wait, he calls her Black? That's weird, even I call her Bella. _

"I wasn't happy last night, Rosier." Bellatrix growls in response.

"I know," he continues with coldness matching hers. "So, when exactly are you going to, you know, _be happy_?"

"If you push me... then never. And, I don't want to talk about this now, so, if you don't mind, I'm going to focus on my lesson."

_I really shouldn't be listening to this, it's private, it's none of my business... But I really can't help what I overhear..._ That's what I tell myself anyway... _Now, I'm assuming they had some kind of fight..._

"Fine, go ahead," Rosier waves, dismissively.

Bellatrix shuts her eyes for a minute and soon a genuine look of happiness appears on her face. That makes me smile too. I don't even consider the fact that we're not in a relationship anymore, because that is the genuine smile I've been hoping to see for weeks. I wonder what memory she's chosen.

She mutters the incantation and flicks her wand. But, to my surprise, the smokey shape spilling from her wand tip isn't forming into a raven, it's becoming a snake. I let out an involuntary gasp of disbelief and the half-formed patronus vanishes as Bellatrix loses her concentration.

"Rodolphus?" She asks, turing to me with what looks oddly like concern. "What is it?"

I guess I'd look more ridiculous if I didn't answer, so I decide to voice the thought that my mind is screaming, "Your patronus changed form."

She shrugs, "Yeah, I guess it did..." She pauses then she asks, "Hey, do you have your Transfiguration homework done?" I nod. "Can I borrow it? I won't copy it exactly, I just... I don't..."

I tell her, of course, she can copy the work and I'll help with anything else she needs, if she wants me too. Then, I ask when exactly her patronus changed form. It's supposed to be really unusual and have something to do with the castor's emotional state... She says she doesn't know, this is the first time she's tried the charm since last summer with me.

I'm really sick of hearing "I don't know" from her, so, I decide to do a little research and get some answers on my own.


	18. Dance With You

After class lets out I stay with Bellatrix until we're alone in the classroom. I double check to make sure no one's around to see that we're cheating, then I hand her the homework. She takes it then steps closer and tries to kiss me.

I pull back, "Bella! I already told you, I don't want-"

She interrupts me, scoffing like she thinks I'm being very selfish. "_I_ want," She insists, childishly. She tires again so I take a step back.

"What about Rosier? Did you two break up?"

"We were never together," She sighs, stepping forward again. We continue like that for a couple of minutes, it's almost like a dance between us: her advancing, me fighting back with demands and questions, then her giving me vague answers and trying all over again.

"Rosier doesn't care about me," Bellatrix assures me. "He just wants to fuck me. And I'm just _recruiting_, that's all."

"Recruiting?" I inquire.

"Yeah, for the Dark... um, nothing... Just, I said I'd sleep with him if..." She trails off, probably because of my stupefied expression.

Suddenly, my head hurts, my heart is beating insanely fast, and I'm fairly certain my face is red too._ I don't want to think about this... but I can't help it. "_Did you?" The words come out in a horrified tone and I instantly wish I could take them back.

"You really want to know?" She asks, using a teasing tone that neither confirms nor denies my fear.

"No, I don't," I shake my head, with much more emphasis than is really necessary.

"Well, I didn't," She decides to tells me anyway. "I was never going to. I don't care about him. He means nothing to me, none of these guys do... But, _you_, Rod, you're special. _You care, don't you?_"

I want to believe her, but the baby voice she uses on those last few words tell me this is just another one of her games.

"Yes, Bella, I do care," I tell her, perfectly aware of the danger I'm getting myself into. "But I don't want to play this game with you. If you want this, then we can make it work. If not, that's fine, really. But just stop torturing me, okay?"

"Torturing you?" She cocks her head to the side and speaks with a much too sweet tone. "As if you wouldn't give anything to have me back... Just give me one kiss, Rod... I'll think about getting back together with you, how's that?"

I hesitate, but don't step back this time. This manipulative and sadistic version of Bellatrix is not the girl I fell in love with. Still, for some strange reason, I can't help myself.

"You know you still love me," she comments spitefully, "Just do me this small favor and we'll see where it goes." She's leaning in to capture my lips with hers, and, momentarily, I let her.

I even consider kissing her back, but I don't, and after a few seconds, I push her away again. "I think I've done you enough favors, Bella." I'm not certain I actually mean that, but I'm proud of myself for saying it.

Bellatrix isn't listening to me though, she's looking over my shoulder. "Perfect timing," she growls, sarcastically. Then she pushes past me to storm out of the room. I turn to see what upset her and find that someone has entered without our noticing and been watching us.

I gasp, "Alecto."

It's not as if I've done anything wrong and she caught me. But, still, she's the only friend I have right now and I really hope she hasn't gotten the wrong idea.


	19. On and On About You

I decide to skip lunch and go to the library. Alecto insists on following me even when I assure her she doesn't have to. She says I shouldn't be alone right now and I decide to not protest that. She says nothing about what she saw me and Bellatrix doing and I'm glad for that, because I still don't know how I feel about the incident, let alone how to explain it.

"Bella's being weird," I tell Alecto as she follows me down a few aisles. We're glancing at bookshelves and I'm looking for something about patrounus and symbolism.

"What are you looking for?" She asks, ignoring my comment.

"Um," I struggle to phrase my answer so it doesn't sound too obsessive, "Her patronus used to be a raven, it's a snake now. I want to find out why."

"Probably for Slytherin House," Alecto suggests. "That's a snake and it's appropriate, especially for her."

"We're Slytherins too," I challenge her logic and momentarily ignore the contemptuous attitude she's been displaying toward Bellatrix recently.

She shrugs. I sigh and pick up a book at random. I lean against a bookshelf and skim a few pages. "Snakes could mean wisdom, healing, an enemy, or an injury..." I trail off, thinking of her cuts, and then another thing occurs to me. "She got that tattoo with a snake."

"Snake _and a skull_," Alecto corrects.

"You've seen it?"

"Yeah, Amycus got one too. That's what we were fighting about, I told him it looked stupid."

"Really?"

"Well, it _does_ look stupid."

"No, I mean, Bellatrix and Amycus both have that design now. Antonin Dolohov had it first, but he's not exactly so popular you'd get a tattoo in order to suck up to him."

"He's a seventh year," Alecto points out, "And both of them have been hanging out with him a lot."

"Maybe..." I shrug. "But, seriously, what are the odds of three people in our house getting identical tattoos?" But I don't give her a chance to answer, I'm determined. "I'm going to find out."

"Wait," I'm ready to go hunt down Dolohov and demand some answers, but Alecto catches my arm. "You can't just randomly interrogate people. You have to plan, you have be sneaky. Kind of like a snake, like them."

"It's not about us and them, Alecto. I just want answers."

"We'll get them," she assures me. "Let's go back to the common room and get started. We can use disillusionment charms or something and spy on their group."

I sigh once again but finally agree. Alecto's smart and conniving, but I've never seen her use that in a malicious way before. In fact, I've never seen her apply that to anything but chess games.

"Okay," _I hope I won't regret this._ "Let's do it."

(A/N: Quick poll, do you think Rod's stalker-ish behavior is more adorable and romantic or annoying and disturbing? Sometimes I love him, sometimes I want to smack him. Let me know what you think. Thanks. More soon. Love. -Lia.)


	20. Ridiculous

Alecto and I have cast disillusionment charms on each other and now we are hiding behind one of the couches in the common room. We're not entirely invisible, but as long as we as we remain still and breathe lightly, we might as well be. We're both impatient as children waiting for a game of hide and seek to end but also curious and impatient to finally get some of our questions answered.

"He knows," Bellatrix comments sounding simultaneously annoyed and worried. She sits down with Rabastan and Dolohov on the couch Alecto and I are crouched behind. _Good, I was worried we'd choose the wrong one. _

"What do you mean, 'he knows,'" Dolohov demands.

"_Rodolphus_," she clarifies, her tone seeming to communicate that she believes he's an idiot. My heart jumps when she says my name but I know better than to do anything that would give my position away.

"Knows what?" Rabastan asks, a bit more patient than the other two and even sounding amused.

"About us," Bellatrix sighs. "He saw my Mark." She says "Mark" like it's capitalized and important, even sacred, the same way she's been saying "Dark" recently.

"But he probably doesn't think it's anything more than a weird tattoo."

"He knows you have one too, Antonin. And he's not a _complete_ idiot, he'll figure it out. Not everything, but he must know we're up to something. Does he know about yours, 'Bastan?"

My jaw drops in disbelief as my brother shakes his head. He has that freakish "Mark" too, he's part of this- whatever it is -and he never told me anything. I really don't know if the secrecy- _betrayal_ -hurts more from him or from Bellatrix.

Amycus approaches the group warily. Bellatrix scowls and hisses, "What do you want?"

He looks terrified but somehow manages to speak, "It's my sister. I'm sick of fighting with her all the time, why can't I just tell her?"

Rabastan looks confused, "We never said you couldn't."

"_I _said he couldn't," Bellatrix corrects with a frightening authoritative tone. "Alecto's not cut out for this. And we don't need-"

"You just want to tear us apart!" Amycus snaps.

In a sudden, snake-like movement, Bellatrix lunges forward and grabs his left wrist, her fingers wrapping tightly around it.

"Ah!" He hisses, "Dammit, Bella, you know how much that hurts."

"Don't question me, Carrow," Bellatrix orders icily, as if each word is a separate sentence. She lets go and then reaches out to strike again, this time toward his throat.

I hold my breath and tense but Alecto shudders and lets out a tiny scream. That sudden noise and movement is enough to disable her camouflage. She looks at me and shakes her head as if to say "don't move."

"Told you she wasn't cut out for this," Bellatrix says, spotting Alecto and releasing Amycus. "Now, both of you get out of my sight."

Alecto starts to protest, but Amycus takes her arm and gently drags her away. Fearing detection, I pull myself more closely against the back of the couch.

"Do you just not want her 'cause you won't be the only girl anymore?" Rabastan asks Bellatrix, who seems to have calmed down.

"There are other reasons," She answers vaguely.

"It's not up to you anyway, Bella," Dolohov points. "We're building an army, we need as many people as-"

"Fine!" She consents, unhappily. "We'll talk to _Him_ about it tomorrow, how's that?"

Her statement is phrased as a question, but it leaves no room for argument. For a short time it seemed Bellatrix was in charge of the group, but, the emphasis she placed on "Him" obviously hints at some sort of leader that they all fear and respect. _I wonder who that could be..._


	21. Next Exgirlfriend

I stayed behind the couch until Bellatrix went to bed last night. Every one else left the common room when they'd finished talking but she'd stayed up, reading something I was certain had nothing to do with homework. I hadn't found out anything else from the conversation, just formed even more questions.

This particular morning doesn't look promising either, but I've began planning something. Bellatrix mentioned sneaking out again tonight and I'm considering following her, but I want to talk to Alecto first.

I find her sitting on the armrest of one of the common room couches, sit down next to her, and ask if she's okay. She nods and asks if I found out anything else. I inform her of some of my new questions as well as my plan then ask if she and Amycus are on better terms now.

"No," she tells me with a sigh. "Bellatrix forbade him to speak to me. He takes orders from her! I don't get it, she's only a year older and not that much-"

"I know," I interrupt because I'm not really in the mood to listen to whatever complaints she has against Bellatrix. "But she wasn't always like this. When we were going out, she called herself Trixie. She used to-"

"Roddy," Alecto whines, "Can we please talk about something other than Bellatrix for once... Look, I like you, okay?"

"I-I... Alecto...What?" I stutter.

"I _know_, Roddy. You were with her for more than a year and she broke your heart. You need time to get over that, I know you do, and I can wait. And I'm here for you." She covers my hand with hers and I cringe away from that touch, apparently hurting her feelings.

"It's that I don't... It's... It's complicated." I finally manage that useless string of words.

I had no idea she had feelings for me, feelings that I can never return, because, as stupid as it sounds, I really can't imagine loving anyone but Bellatrix for the rest of my life.

"But..." Alecto starts to object, weakly, and trails off, looking like she might cry. Now I feel terrible. I wrap my arms around her in an awkward- though strictly platonic -hug. I whisper a few words but finally give up trying to explain.

"You're still so obsessed with her," Alecto sniffles. "_Why_? All she's going to do is hurt you again and again. But, _me_... I..." She sighs and shakes her head, sensing defeat.

I sigh too and pull her closer, "I'm sorry," I whisper, pathetically, before releasing her.

"Good morning," Says the bittersweet voice I know almost as well as my own. I look up to find Bellatrix standing over us, though I hadn't heard her approach. She's in her usual school uniform but her hair and makeup are styled like she's going to the Yule Ball and not just to class.

"Hi, Bella," I murmur in acknowledgement, choosing to ignore her over dramatic appearance and glancing at Alecto's now tear-steaked face warily. "Um, we were kind of in the middle of something..."

"Seems important," She remarks sarcastically. "But I have something urgent to tell you. Alecto, dear, do you mind if I talk to Rod privately for a moment." Of course, it's not really a request.

"No!" Alecto jumps to her feet. "He just now got over you, Bellatrix. If you have a heart at all, you'll leave him alone."

"And what if I don't have a heart," Bellatrix smirks deviously. I stand up too, trying to get between the so no one gets hurt, but other than that I really can't think of anything to do or say.

"You're poison," Alecto snaps. "I'm not letting you anywhere near him."

"I'm not asking your permission, Carrow."

"Alecto," I manage, fearing for her safety. "Please, just go, I can take care of myself and I'll talk to you later, I promise."

Surprising all three of us, Alecto leans in to plant a kiss on my forehead. I pull away in shock but she's already up and walking away.

Bellatrix calls after her, "You will pay for that," She emphasizes each word threateningly. Then she turns her attention to me.


	22. Shut Up and Smile

"What are you doing, Bella?" I ask, pretending I'm not terrified of whatever she could be up to.

"Marking my territory," She responds, with a rather amused expression. "She can't have you."

"What?" I scoff, momentarily forgetting who I'm dealing with. "You kind of lost your claim to me when you broke up with me."

She grabs my arm and digs her nails into my skin until I give her the pained expression she wants to see. "You're _mine_," She hisses, once I surrender, digging in even harder for emphasis before finally releasing me after a few seconds.

_Oh, I see, this is another game of hers. Fine, I'll play along. _

"You didn't have to be so mean to Alecto." I challenge.

"Yes, I did. The little bitch had it coming."

"She didn't do any-" And then I get it. "Oh, _Merlin_, Bella. Were you jealous of her?"

"Just because she doesn't deserve you doesn't mean I want to be in her place," she responds furiously.

"So you're not jealous?" I press for clarification.

She sends me her death glare.

"We're just friends," I assure her, deciding against pressing my luck even further despite the thrill of finally getting some kind of reaction out of Bellatrix.

"Shut up," she order me, clearly annoyed at the very least. She sits down on my lap and I don't even consider trying to stop her. "Don't I look pretty today?" She demands in the mocking baby voice I'm quickly growing to hate.

"Beautiful," I answer automatically.

"Good, because I did this for you, you know."

"Why?"

"I think that's obvious, Rod," She purrs, undoing one of my robe's buttons. "Now, you belong to me. Do you understand that, or do I need to make it clearer for you?" Her fingers hover over a second button.

I know what she's trying to do and I'm tempted to just let her, but I don't give in. "I understand."

"Good," She nods approvingly, though there is a hint of disappointment in her voice. "Now, my darling, I'm going to kiss you. And if you push me away this time, you will regret it."

"I won't... on one condition." I'm really pressing my luck now, but this is worth a try.

"Lestrange, you're hardly in a position to be making demands." To emphasize that point, she shoves me back against the couch cushions and pins my arms down at my sides. Of course, I'm letting her win. She's the better spell caster of the two of us, but, physically, I'm stronger than her. "But, I'm feeling generous today, so, what's your condition?"

I grin, pretending that I know how to be evil too. "Smile for me."

She curls her lips back and shows me her teeth. "That's all?"

"No, I want a real smile. Like you did in DADA yesterday. What memory did you use anyway?" While she's off guard thinking about that, I reach out to tickle her, like I always used to do when we were a couple. She always hated it, but it could usually make her laugh and I'd love that right now.

She lets out only the tiniest giggle and a very faint smile appears just for a moment, but I'll take it. "Thank you. You may proceed." I know exactly how stupid that sounds, but I don't understand the rules of this game yet, Bellatrix was never very good at explaining things...

And, then, it's like we never broke up, like the chaos of these past two weeks never happened. She releases my arms and I wrap them tightly around her, her hands run rapidly through my hair and along my chest, and we kiss as if our lives depend on that contact.

_She broke your heart_, Alecto's words come back to me. _All she'll do is hurt you again and again..._

_Shut up!_ I order them mentally. _I love her! And I don't care what you say! _


	23. Much More Beautiful Person

(A/N: Sorry this is a short but essential chapter. R&R. -Lia.)

When we finally pull away, I have to remind myself how to breathe. "Bella," I pant.

"What?" Her breathing is equally rushed.

"Do you want to... get back together?" I ask, shakily.

"Um, I..." She hesitates. I wasn't expecting an immediate "yes," but it was a question worth asking anyway. I actually think she might laugh in my face or decline politely at the very least. The only possibility I don't consider, though, is the one that actually happens. "I don't know," she whispers finally and I breathe a sigh of frustration. "I'll think about it."

I decide that's a least better than an outright "no," though not by much.

"Do you think I'm beautiful?" She stares straight into my eyes as she changes the subject.

"You know you are," I answer, bravely maintaining our eye contact.

"Tell me I am," she demands.

"You're beautiful," I mutter, honestly and without hesitation. I'm tempted to add "externally" but I don't. I have seen her be incredibly cruel and I've seen the Darkness inside her, but I don't want to believe that it's too late to save her from that.

I'm also tempted to point out that, as Trixie, she was beautiful inside and out. But, as Bella, most of that is only on the outside now. Trixie was the more beautiful person, she's gone but I don't mind that as much as I used to. I love Bella now too. I love both of them. Both beautiful versions of her. And I can't imagine life without her. I won't admit that aloud, though, because it would just kill me if she didn't say she loved me too.

My arms are still wrapped around her, I use that to my advantage and pull her even closer. I kiss her forehead and let her relax against me.

"Rod," she murmurs dreamily when we've both lost track of time. "I want to take you with me tonight. There's someone I want you to meet."


	24. High School Never Ends

Our classes seem to go on forever. They are bearable only because Bellatrix and I are sitting together again. We spend Charms and Potions passing notes that consist mostly of me begging her to tell me about where we're going tonight or who exactly it is she's taking me to meet.

She dodges my questions with constant promises to explain everything later and throws in a few flirtatious comments which successfully distract me for some time and then we repeat that cycle. She gets bored with that before I do and insists we skip our afternoon classes. I agree instantly, Ancient Runes and Divination are two subjects I won't mind avoiding.

By lunch time, just about everybody in the school knows that the Slytherin "It Couple" is back together. And we _are_... she just hasn't verbally admitted it yet.

"Rod's coming with us tonight," Bellatrix tells Rabastan as he sits down across from us.

"Out of his own free will?" He inquires. "Or will you be dragging him there?"

She starts to answer but I speak up before she can, "Free will." Mentally, I add, _I'd follow Bella anywhere._

"Here, try this," Bellatrix offers, pulling a flask from her school bag. She pours some clear liquid from it into my glass so it's contents mix with the pumpkin juice. I look at the mixture skeptically.

"It's not poison," she assures me. "It's just some alcohol Antonin smuggled in last Hogsmead weekend... It's really good, a little addictive though."

I hope that's not what she meant by "better things to do" but, I admit, I'd rather have her drinking than cutting. Especially because I'll be around to make sure she has enough to get the thrill she wants, but not enough to hurt herself, and I can live with that.

It's the adrenalin rush she wants though, not the numbness. Thinking back on everything she's talked me into doing with her- sneaking out after hours, pranking Gryffindors, inhaling random ingredients from our potion kits- trying to get a high, kissing, having sex, and skinny dipping in the Black Lake -_Not that I'd ever complain about any of that_... Alcohol consumption practically seems harmless. As long as she doesn't overdo it, the way our parents tend to do at social events.

"Don't drink that, Roddy," Alecto calls from where she's sitting alone a few seats away from us. "It's a love potion. She's drugging you, isn't that obvious?"

Bellatrix sighs over dramatically and pours some of the flask's contents into her own glass, "See, it's not potion, I'm drinking it too." She declares. "And, unlike you, Carrow, I don't need potions to make men love me."

"That doesn't prove anything, Black," Alecto challenges. "You're already in love with yourself. And I wasn't talking to _you_, actually." She looks at me again, this time with a pained expression. "You said you'd talk to me later. You promised."

"Bella and I got back together," I tell her, on the off chance she hasn't figured that out already. "Thank you for everything, though. You're a great friend, Alecto, but..." I trail off, even I don't know where I'm going with that stupid little monologue.

"I hope you're happy then," She snarls sarcastically, then storms out of the room before I have a chance to say anything else.

I sigh and turn to Bellatrix, "Why don't you let her talk to her brother at least. She's really not that bad."

"Oh, Rod, darling." She grins evilly. "You have so much to learn about the way things work... Maybe _she_ gave you a love potion, it'll wear off soon."

"Bella, until just this morning, she was the only friend I had," I plead.

"Oh, fine," Bellatrix crumples up a sheet of parchment and throws it at Amycus so it bounces off the side of his head and gets his attention. "You can talk to your sister, but don't tell her about any of this stuff..." she taps her left wrist. "Got it?" He nods obediently and she turns back to me, "Does that make you happy?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Good, I want you to be happy. Now, drink."

I take that as an order and drain the glass in a few sips, because I want her to be happy too. After lunch we go up to her dorm room and end up having sex. It's quick and emotional and wonderful. This soon after our breakup, I really can't explain why it feels as good as it does. Except for the bit of alcohol we've both had and the fact that some part of me has changed completely.

I have a one track mind now and one single desire: to keep Bellatrix happy. In the meantime, we have one hour until the Divination class we're supposed to be in lets out, four till dinnertime, and six till the time after curfew when we can sneak out. It seems like endless waiting, but I decide I don't mind, as long as I can spend all that time with the love of my life.

(A/N: The song titles fit the story a little better than the lyrics do, actually. This chapter is named after my favorite BFS song. It's kind of a "little darling" of a chapter, not really necessary, but still cute and interesting enough to include...I think so anyway. PS: this was the longest chapter so far, almost 900 words!)


	25. You and Me

"I missed you so much," Bellatrix murmurs, her breath is warm against my throat.

We're cuddling on her bed, under a blanket because we're both too lazy to put our clothes back on, and she's been biting playfully all along my neck.

"Bella," I sigh, "You never told me why you broke up with me in the first place."

"I don't know why I did."

I must have sent her an annoyed glare because she shakes her head and quickly adds an explanation, "No, Rod, I mean it. I honestly don't know."

She might mean that, but I think I've figured out the reason on my own: Darkness. It makes sense that being obsessed, even consumed by the allure of that power would drive her to isolate herself. To shun everything she knew and loved, including me. Well, whatever happened, I'm glad that phase is over.

And then I look at her left wrist again and wonder if it really is over. Perhaps, it's just beginning, and, now, I'm being sucked in too...

Bellatrix seems to sense my doubts returning, "There's nothing to worry about," she assures me with another kiss on my neck. "You'll see that tonight, I promise." She moves just enough to lean over the side of the bed and fish the flask out of her school bag on the floor. Then, she sits up again and hands it to me. "Want more?"

I nod and swallow a mouthful of the bittersweet mind-numbing alcohol. She takes it back when I finish, tilts her head back, and chugs down the remaining few sips. "Dammit," she whines, unhappily shaking the empty container. "Now, I have to beg Dolohov for more."

"I'm sure there are healthier habits," I tell her.

"I know there are," she smirks. "But what did you have in mind?"

I really didn't have anything in mind. I hide that fact by placing a spontaneous kiss on her nose, then adjusting ever so slightly to initiate another kiss.

(A/N: Sorry, I posted the longest chapter and then the shortest. lol. Anyway, Rod's kind of being an idiot here, there is an explanation but I still want to smack him. More soon. -Lia.)


	26. Here We Go

A few hours later, Bellatrix and I are sitting on our couch in the common room. Both of us are wearing impatient expressions as we wait for everyone to come back from dinner. We decided to skip the meal in order to spend more time alone together and I don't regret that choice in the least bit.

"Ready to go, Black?" Dolohov asks casually. He's the first to return, followed by Rabastan and Amycus who also approach us. Instead of answering, she throws her empty flask at him. He catches it and frowns, "I'm not giving you any more."

Bellatrix pouts dramatically, "But it wasn't all me this time, I was _sharing_."

Dolohov turns to me, "Oh, please tell me you weren't drinking that without even knowing what it was?"

"I trust Bella," I say, confirming the accusation but justifying it. I can't help my curiosity though, "What _is_ it?"

"Reckless abandonment," he tells me, sounding a bit like a salesman, actually. "It makes you let go of everything completely. It's basically the Imperious Curse in liquid form, with none of the orders and all of that blessed numbness."

That makes sense to me, and it certainly explains how all of my "this is wrong" feelings disappeared so suddenly. Everything was gone, except my obsessive love for Bellatrix... Perhaps _that_ is stronger than any elixir or curse?

"That's awesome," I murmur my approval, because I want _more_.

Some of my doubts are beginning to return, Bellatrix still hasn't answered any of my questions, we're supposed to be leaving in a few minutes, and, suddenly, I'm terrified. I don't want to feel any of that. I want to feel the high thrill that wonderfully mind-numbing alcohol provided.

"Antonin, please," Bellatrix whines. "You know I'm addicted, you know how good it feels!"

"Fine," Dolohov sighs like Bellatrix is the single most annoying person he's ever met. "We can work something out later. For now, we should probably get going. Are you sure about taking Lestrange with us?"

"Yes," Bellatrix says without hesitation, "He's ready." I look at her as if to say "Am I?" and she nods.

"Okay," Dolohov shrugs. "You know what to do. Let's go."

Bellatrix nods again and pulls off her Slytherin uniform tie. I'm confused about what she's doing until she holds the silky fabric up over my eyes. Then I understand, she wants me blindfolded. I ask why and she tells me to just trust her. Once she has it tied in place, her lips connect with mine for a much-too-brief moment. Her kiss tastes like that amazing alcohol and I want it to last forever.

When she pulls away, I blindly reach out for her and she takes my hand. "Stay with me," I beg.

"I'm here," she assures me, squeezing my hand lightly.

We begin walking. Bellatrix occasionally guides me with directions like "left" or "we're climbing stairs now," but, mostly, she just uses our handhold to drag me along with her. I don't like not being able to see things or the foreboding feeling building inside me now, but I do trust her.

I can still hear though. I recognize voices, most of which seem to be arguing: Bellatrix, Rabastan, Dolohov, Avery, Rosier, Amycus Carrow... and the biggest surprise of all is Lucius Malfoy, who's only eleven.

_This group... what do they- **we** -all have in common? Other than our House and pureblood heritages, I really can't think of anything. So what brings us all together? And what about that tattoo? Do I have to get one? What is the purpose of this little group? And when is Dolohov going to give me and Bellatrix more of that alcohol, so I can go back to wonderfully feeling nothing at all? _

Bellatrix picks up on my anxiety, noticing the intensity I'm gripping her hand with. "It's going to be fine, love," she assures me. "Just a few more minutes, you'll get all your answers.

Technically, calling me "love" is not the same as saying she loves me, but, I decide to ignore that fact and instead use it temporarily appease my racing mind.


	27. The Hard Way

After a few more steps, Bellatrix lets out a sudden cry that is halfway between a shriek and a whimper. When I ask what's wrong, she murmurs something unintelligible about her Mark burning.

"It _burns_?" I ask in confusion. Sure, it must have hurt when she first got it, but that pain should be gone by now, right?

"Yes," Bellatrix confirms, straining as if speaking requires a tremendous effort. "When He calls us."

_He? That sacred pronoun again..._ "Bella, who is this exactly?" I demand. "Where are we going?"

"You didn't tell him, Bell?" Dolohov grunts, communicating that he's also in pain.

"I wanted Rod to decide for himself," Bellatrix answers, now squeezing my hand with a force almost intense enough to break the bones and digging her nails into my skin. "Besides, mere words couldn't do the Dark Lord justice."

_Dark Lord? She makes it sound like he's a god or something. _"You said you'd tell me later, Bella." I say, impatiently. "I think this qualifies as later."

"I said you'd get your answers later," she corrects. "I never said _I'd_ give them to you... Just be patient, love, we're almost there." She tugs on my arm, urging me to pick up the pace with her. We're both running now.

Finally, when we come stop, Bellatrix lets go of my hand and I hear her pushing a door open. "Where are we?" I pant, hoping she'll answer that question at least.

"The Shrieking Shack in Hogsmead," She sighs, taking my hand again and walking me through the doorway. Then she decides to give me a little information after all, however unhelpful. "Address Him as your lord and master because that is what he will be and be completely honest any time you speak. That's really all you need to know to not make a fool of yourself."

She's speaking like this is something she has memorized and I'm really worried now. We take a few steps forward and then she continues her seemingly rehearsed monologue.

"The Dark Lord is great and powerful, Rod. Under His rule, we're going to shape this world into a much better place for us, for our children."

_Our children? Hers and mine? I bet they'd be beautiful. _Of course, what she's really talking about is the entire Pureblood race in general, but the thought of our hypothetical future children is enough to calm me down again.

_Just trust Bella, _I order myself. _She wouldn't hurt you... Well, she did break up with you, but... _And then I begin to have a mental argument with myself. One that I somehow end up losing before Bellatrix stops walking suddenly. I halt a second behind her.

"Kneel," she hisses, tugging hard on my hand. I obediently drop to my knees and wait for further instructions.

(A/N: I'm kind of portraying the Death Eaters as a sort of cult here, that's not my usual approach but it fits the storyline so far. I will get the next chapter up as soon as possible. -Within a few hours if my mind works the way I want it to...- Please look forward to it, I think you'll like what I do with Rod's introduction. Love. -Lia.)


	28. Almost

"So this is your fiance, Bella?" A dark, cold voice greets us.

"Yes, my lord," Bellatrix confirms using a subservient tone I'm shocked to hear coming from her. "His name is Rodolphus Lestrange. I think he'll be an asset to our Cause. He's highly skilled and unconditionally loyal... But, if I'm wrong, if he displeases you, I can find some one else... I know how to control my parents..."

I never once expected to hear that I mean half as much to Bellatrix as she does to me, but that verbal confirmation hurts. Realizing that she would just cast me off... that I'm only the best she's found _so far_. I can't stop myself from sarcastically thinking: _Gee, thanks, Bella._

"Silence, Bella," The eerie voice speaks again and Bellatrix obediently falls silent_. _"I'm trying to read his thoughts."

_Legilimency? He can read my mind?_ Bellatrix and I tried that last year and we accomplished nothing more than giving ourselves head aches. _I thought you needed eye contact though... _

Apparently not, because, suddenly, I'm not alone in my mind. Thoughts and memories surface unbidden, not by me anyway, including several that I would prefer to keep private.

The rapid search pauses to examine one of my conversations with Alecto. Then, finally, I'm alone again.

"You doubt the Cause?" The man with the cold voice- who I'm now assuming is Bellatrix's Dark Lord -demands.

Kneeling on the floor next to me and still holding my hand, Bellatrix lets out a gasp.

"I..." I begin. He must have seen that I used to wonder what made Purebloods better than everyone else. I remember Bellatrix's advice: _humility and honesty_, and I finally answer. "I _used to_, my lord." I hope I've placed enough emphasis on the past tense.

"Very well," He says, calmly. "Bella?"

Bellatrix drops my hand and tugs off my blindfold. I open my eyes to finally take in some visual information. The room is lit by twenty or so randomly placed candles and my classmates have formed a circle around us. Bellatrix and I are kneeling at the feet of a dark and rather snake-like man who obviously holds some great power.

To be completely honest, I'm afraid to meet His eyes, but I can't look away either.

"You're right Bella," The Dark Lord speaks again after a moment of almost unbearable silence. "Lestrange will be an excellent addition to our little family. And you will be rewarded for bringing him to me."

_What? _

I glance at Bellatrix and see her eyes shining happily, as if selling me into slavery is her dream come true. I don't remember agreeing to this, but, what did I agree to, exactly? I don't know... my head hurts.

The Dark Lord finishes with, "I'd just like to do a test before I Mark him."


	29. Love Sick Stomach Ache

_A test? Oh shit!_ In my severely freaked out state, I really don't know how well I'd do on any sort of test.

I just hope He doesn't want to look in my mind again. Sure, I no-longer doubt Pureblood Supremacy but several other fears and concerns are building inside me now.

"If you don't mind assisting me, Bella," the Dark Lord begins with an odd but seemingly friendly tone. "I'd like to take a different approach than the traditional Cruciatus."

"My lord?" Bellatrix asks softly. "Of course, I would do anything for you, but, I don't understand what you-"

He silences her with a wave of his wand and a cry of "_Crucio!_ "

I comprehend instantly. It's _that_ kind of test. One of endurance. How much pain will I go through before I beg for mercy? The answer is probably a lot, I like to think so anyway, but, I guess I'm about to find out.

I shut my eyes and brace myself as best I can for to feel the torture curse, but it never hits me. I open my eyes again after a few seconds, and am horrified to discover that the Dark Lord's wand isn't pointed at me, but at Bellatrix.

She sways weakly and then falls over, lying on her side and whimpering quietly. I crawl a few feet to get closer to her, whispering, "Bella, I'm sorry. Shh, I'm here." I reach out to try and hold her or provide some small comfort, but...

"It you touch her, Lestrange, I will kill you."

I look up at Him in horror and proceed to beg for Bellatrix's release. "Please, she didn't do anything. I'm supposed to be the one being tested... Don't put her through all that pain, _please_..."

"Silence... Now, do you love this girl?" I nod but He ignores it. "Of course you do, there was hardly a thought in your mind that didn't have something to do with her. But would you die for her?"

"Yes, my lord, I would," I answer without hesitation. _I wouldn't be here if that wasn't true._

"Even if you knew she didn't love you back?"

I gasp then tell myself it's probably just a hypothetical question. Bellatrix is hugging herself and biting her lip now, still giving pathetic little cries. Seeing her in pain almost hurts me physically as well.

"Regardless, my lord," I answer, honestly. "I would do anything for Bella... Please! Please let her go!"

"Then you understand _her_ devotion," He tells me, still ignoring my begging. "Will you give your life, as she has given hers, to fight for me, for the Cause?"

"Yes, I will!" I scream, past the point of caring. "Bella! Please!"

A sinister smile appears on the Dark Lord's face as he flicks his wand again, this time freeing Bellatrix, "You can touch her now, Lestrange."

I do. I throw my arms around her and kiss her forehead. "Bella, I'm so sorry," I tell her. "Are you okay?"

She pulls out of my embrace, "I'm fine." And I'm shocked to see that she's smiling faintly and almost looks disappointed.


	30. Pictures He Drew

"Over too soon, Bella?" The Dark Lord taunts Bellatrix while I'm just sitting beside her in hopeless confusion.

"It always is, my lord," she answers, still smiling with an unmistakable look of adoration in her eyes.

"Stay after the meeting, then," He tells her. I really can't tell if it's a request or an order. "Perhaps I'll reward you some more, you've earned it."

_Casting the Cruciatus Curse on her is supposed to be a _**reward**_?_

"Lestrange," His attention is directed at me now. "You've proven yourself. Come here."

Warily and somewhat resentfully, I stand up and walk a few steps toward Him before dropping to my knees again. I don't need to be told what to do. Maybe I am having second thoughts, but it's really too late now.

I roll up my sleeve and extend my left arm. He places the tip of His wand against my wrist. I am expecting pain, but not this much. It's like fire and a thousand snake bites. I alternate between gritting my teeth and biting my lip, but, after a few minutes, I can't stand it anymore. I let out a scream, no longer caring how weak and pathetic that makes me look. And then I'm just screaming in agony, waiting for it to be over.

When He finally finishes, I glance at the design: a snake and a skull. Dark and angry-looking. _Just like Bella's. _

_Well, I belong now. I did it for her. That is what she wanted, isn't it?_

Bellatrix and I silently get to our feet and I follow her to take a place in the circle. The Dark Lord is speaking to the entire group now, I should be paying attention and it's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.

My arm still feels like it's on fire. I keep seeing Bellatrix under the Cruciatus Curse and I am terrified to think what He's planning to do to her after the meeting, in spite of the fact that she seems to be looking forward to it. And then, there's the fact that my mind is repeatedly screaming: _Oh, Merlin! What have I done? _


	31. Last Call Casualty

"Dolphus?" Rabastan grabs my arm suddenly and shakes me gently. "Meeting's over, let's go."

I just blink in response. I have momentarily forgotten who I am. And then I get it: _Oh, that's right, I'm the idiot who just sold his soul to this psychotic snake-man hoping to save his suddenly masochistic ex-girlfriend who he may or may not really be back together with._

Sarcasm aside, I'm not exactly happy with my current situation.

The moment my identity returns, so does my headache. My left wrist still burns horridly too. No wonder Bellatrix flinched when I grabbed her arm, it hurts like hell!

I sigh and follow Rabastan out of the room. I don't look at the Dark Lord but do nod respectfully as I pass Him. I glance at Bellatrix just long enough to see that she's alright, then immediately avert my eyes, I really can't stand to see her right now.

"Did I look like a complete idiot, screaming like that?" I ask Rabastan the moment we have the door closed behind us. As my brother, he's required to give me an honest answer and I also need a distraction from worrying about Bellatrix.

"No, everybody screams," he assures me. "We all did... well, except Bellatrix."

I snort humorlessly, "What did she do?"

"She laughed, mostly. Smiled and shrieked like she loved it."

"When did she start liking pain?" That's practically a rhetorical question, there isn't an answer. She never did, not until now anyway, I would have know about it if she did before.

"She doesn't like pain, Dolphus," Dolohov corrects. "She likes Him. Bell's got a little crush on the Dark Lord."

_Oh! _I really can't process that concept. I frown and attempt to sort out my mixed feelings.

"Here," Dolohov hands me a small vial, one usually used to hold potion samples, but this one contains more of that special alcohol. "You look like you need it. It's just a shot, but it'll help some."

"Thanks," I mumble, pocketing it. As much as I want to let go of everything now, I have a feeling I'll need it more later.

"Are we going back now?" Lucius asks. Dolohov nods and the group begins walking.

"I'm gonna wait for Bella," I tell Rabastan when he notices I'm not following them. Once they're all gone, I lean against the door frame and wait.

Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream comes from inside the room. I gasp, "Bella!" I push on the door, but it's locked now. _Shit! What am I gonna do? _

Then, I remember my wand and mentally kick myself for ever forgetting it. I draw it and am about to cast an _alohamora_ charm when I hear a chorus of girlish laughter from the other side of the door.

I decide to let it go. If I sense any real danger, I'll take action, but, nothing's really wrong here but my heightened paranoia. Well, actually, lots of things are wrong here. But nothing I can fix.

She likes Him, but all he does is hurt her. How stupid is she to want that sort of relationship?

_... Well I guess, that would make her just about as stupid as I am,_ I realize, unhappily.


	32. Really Might Be Gone

More screams, more laughter. I begin to lose track of time.

The girl shrieking and giggling on the other side of that door is not my Trixie. The Bellatrix I know doesn't rejoice in pain or crave it. But, of course, this isn't the Bellatrix I know. It's Bella, who is slowly revealing her true self to me. It's Bella, who I love in spite of her darkness, in spite of everything.

And then I realize something. The Dark Lord calls her Bella. Everyone else was addressed by their last name, but she's Bella to Him. Not even Bellatrix... **Bella.**

_Why does that bother me so much? _

Yes, Bellatrix is changing. Has changed. And not for the better. But am I changing just as much? I've been adapting myself to be whatever she needs or wants me to be. I don't even recognize my own needs or wants anymore. And I'm not just in love with her, I'm obsessed.

And it's the worst kind of love too: foolish love, unrequited love.

I have a new idea for why she broke up with me, I can't stand thinking about it. But it's there non-the-less, constantly tormenting my mind. To be honest, I think He put it there as another sadistic test.

She loves Him. And He doesn't want her. So she took me back... because she needs to feel wanted, needs to feel loved. And I'm probably the only person who'd give her that without expecting anything in return.

_I miss Trixie._

It hasn't even been a full day yet, but I already sense a change in myself as well. Since Bellatrix and I got back together and since I got my Mark, I feel... I can't describe it. Just different.

The guy Alecto knew as Roddy doesn't exist anymore either. He's gone. Off to wherever Trixie went. I don't think they're dead, exactly. Just dormant. Hidden safely somewhere inside me and Bellatrix, making room for Rod and Bella, letting them have control for now.

That's incredibly childish of me to think. But the idea is distracting me and keeping me sane however temporarily, so I do allow myself to think that way,_ for now. _


	33. If You Come Back to Me

Suddenly, there's silence, and that scares me even more than the screams.

I wait in horror to hear something, anything. Then finally, "You should go, Bella. Lestrange is waiting for you."

There's a very quiet murmur of, "Yes, my lord." Then an unmistakable _crack_ of someone disapparating. Finally, Bellatrix pushes the door open.

"Hi," She says. There are so many things I want to say to her, but I don't say any of them. I step closer, whisper her name, and embrace her in what I hope is a comforting manner.

When I finally let go, I ask, "Can I talk to you?"

"I really don't know what to say, Rod." She actually sounds annoyed.

"Bella, I just proved that I would die for you." I argue. "Couldn't you at least answer a few of my questions?" She looks apprehensive but finally nods. "Are we back together? Or did you just seduce me so you could bring me out here and present me as a human gift to the Dark Lord? Same as you did with Avery and Rosier, I guess."

That statement is out before I consider it mentally. I want to take it back... I can't.

"Is that what you think?" She demands furiously. "Well, for your information, Avery wanted to join, I was his ticket in, that's all. Rosier, I gave the same information I gave you, but he joined with _enthusiasm_ for the Cause."

There's ice in her words, I start to object but she doesn't let me.

"And the only reason I went out with Rosier in the first place was to make you jealous. I wanted you to hate me."

"_Why?_"

"Because I loved you, alright? I did, but I loved someone else even more. I thought if I broke things off with you, if you hated me, then you'd move on with your life and eventually we could be friends again." She sniffles, this is more emotion than I've seen her display in weeks. "But that didn't work. Because when I saw you with that Carrow bitch, I realized, I don't want you to be with anyone but me."

"So...?" I begin awkwardly.

"So, yes," she confirms. "We are back together."

I throw my arms around her again, ignoring my still burning left wrist. She returns the embrace. When she whispers, "For now," it's so quiet, I can convince myself I imagined her saying it.

Having that decided, I feel safe to speak the words I've wanted and feared to say for such a long time, "I love you, Bella."


	34. Greatest Day

She doesn't say she loves me back. I'm not expecting her to, so I don't let myself be disappointed by that. But she does kiss me. That's one way she expresses affection, so I accept it gladly. _Actions speak louder than words, right? So, she loves me, she must love me. _

We walk back to the school in silence, taking a secret passage that leads from the cellar of one of the buildings in Hogsmead to a hidden doorway behind a statue on the forth floor. When we're safely back in the common room, I check to make sure we're alone, then decide to ask the other question on my mind:

"Bella, when exactly did you become a masochist?"

"I'm _not_, I don't like pain," she answers. I'm about to argue that statement when she adds, "It's different when _He_ does it."

I'm not about to ask her to explain that. I understand it all on my own: We love the ones who hurt us, Bella and I do. She's hurt me- physically and emotionally -enough times for me to know that no amount of pain can destroy true love.

But she won't enjoy His Cruciatus Curse for long. What she feels for Him is nothing more than a small crush, I'll make her see that.

We sit on our couch, neither of us saying a word, but we are enjoying each other's company. Bellatrix breaks that silence after a few minutes, "Isn't this the greatest day of your life?"

I consider the question for a minute before answering, "Yes."

There have been good and bad points, but I put all the Dark Lord stuff aside and concentrate on what really matters, what really makes this day amazing: Bellatrix is my girlfriend again, my love, and my future wife. And she loves me too. That's what really matters.

"Yes, Bella," I kiss her. "This is the best day ever."

I remember the vial Dolohov gave me and take it out. "Cheers," I mumble, draining half the liquid then handing it to Bellatrix who gives me the same "my dreams are coming true" sort of smile that she showed the Dark Lord earlier then swallows the remains.

It's not as much as we had earlier, but just enough for us to lose ourselves in a beautiful alternate universe for some time. When I come down from that high and back to reality, Bellatrix is asleep in my arms. I kiss her forehead and shut my eyes.


	35. Self Centered

(A/N: There is only one chapter left after this one. I'm sad it's over but I'm considering writing a sequel. If you want one please go to my profile page and vote in my poll for the narration you want or let me know in a review. Thanks. -Lia.)

My eyes snap open a second later, because I hear someone walking around the common room. I move carefully because I don't want to wake Bellatrix, but I adjust myself enough to look around. I spot the intruder a moment before she sees me.

"Alecto?" I whisper. "What are you doing?"

"I was..." She looks at me with a tremendous sadness in her eyes. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright. You weren't at dinner or in the common room afterward, so I thought..." She casts a disdainful look at Bellatrix's sleeping form. "I thought you sneaked off with her."

"I did," I confirm.

"Geez, Roddy! Not even two days ago, we were spying on them and now you're... You're not one of them, are you?"

"Yeah, I am," I pull back the sleeve on my left arm to show her the Mark. "I'm not proud of it, but, if that's what it takes... I already said I'd do anything for her." I tug my sleeve back down and wrap both my arms around Bellatrix again.

Alecto seems speechless, so I change the subject, "So, what are you up to?"

She stares at me contemptuously for a moment. "I'm not up to anything, Roddy," She says icily. "Basically, Bellatrix broke your heart and you broke mine. So, I guess, now it's my turn to find somebody to destroy. That's about it, though."

I start to object, but don't want to disturb Bellatrix with too much noise. _She looks so peaceful sleeping..._

"Well, I'm glad to see you got what you wanted," Alecto concludes sarcastically. "The next time she hurts you, though, don't come crying to me, we're finished, you and I, got it?"

"She's not going to hurt me anymore." I argue.

"Trust me, she will. She's just that kind of girl, Roddy. You're nothing more than more than a toy for her. She'll get bored with you, and she'll-"

"_Don't._" I threaten.

"I'm just saying..." Alecto shrugs innocently. She turns and walks away. I consider calling after her or casting some sort of spell to make her listen to me, but those require noise and movement...

"Don't worry about her, love," Bellatrix is awake now and smiling up at me. "She's not worth it."

"She's still my friend," I protest weakly. I know she hates her, but I feel awful about the way I've been treating Alecto since Bellatrix and I got back together.

"She said you were finished."

"You heard that?"

"I was just pretending to sleep, wanted to see what you'd do... But _I'll_ be your friend, how's that?"

I ignore the baby voice she uses there and say, "That's great." I decide that I really don't need anyone but her.


	36. Hang On

Bellatrix has began teaching me the Unforgivable Curses. We sneak out every night now, either for a meeting with the Dark Lord or to find small animals to manipulate, torture, or kill. That bothers me at first, but I see Bellatrix loves it and I convince myself that I do too.

Tonight, we're sitting under a willow tree on the edge of the Black Lake. Bellatrix manages to capture a rabbit. She drops it, immobilized, at my feet with the command of, "Cruciatus, _now_."

We don't talk much when we're training. Not because I don't want to, but because she's obsessively focused on turing me into a flawless weapon at least half as good as she is.

"_Crucio_!" I shout, preparing to torment the defenseless creature. It whimpers when the spell hits, curls up and paws at the ground in a futile escape attempt. _Poor thing, but better it than me, right? I for one don't want to face Bellatrix's wrath if I get the spell wrong again._

"_Mean it__!_" She orders me for what has to be the hundredth time.

"I'm trying," I assure her.

"If you were doing it right, it would be screaming, not whimpering. _Screaming_. Do you understand the difference, love?"

I blink, "Yes, but-"

"Let me show you... _Crucio_!"

I'm expecting her to hit the rabbit, so I'm not at all prepared for it when I see her wand pointed at me. I've never felt the torture curse before, so I really don't know what to expect. Well, obviously, pain. But just how much or how acute that pain will be could vary greatly. I even convince myself that it might even feel good, because the one I love is the one casting it on me. Because she wants it.

_Perhaps, I'll develop that same lovesick masochism she displays when the Dark Lord casts it on her. Or maybe-_

_Pain__!_ Horrid, unadulterated pain courses through me. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, nothing words can describe. It's something like when I got the Dark Mark, but so much more intense._ Bella, Bella, stop, please! _I think, hopelessly, senselessly.

The moment I let out a scream, she does stop. _Nope, I'm definitely not a masochist. Hey, Alecto was right, she did hurt me again.._. I really can't help thinking that and I hate myself for it.

"I'm sorry," Bellatrix murmurs. "It's part of the teaching method."

"Teaching method?" I inquire. "Who taught you?"

"The Dark Lord Himself taught me."

"Really?" I exclaim in disbelief. She nods. "Is that when He starting Crucio-ing you?"

"He didn't have to... I got it right the first time."

"Oh."

There's a long, almost unbearable pause. In that silence I can feel tension building between us. I hate that awkwardness, so I break it. "You're a great teacher."

"Thanks... So, do you forgive me?"

"I always do."


	37. Luckiest Loser

Epilogue- 3 Weeks Later

_After all that we've been through, I guess I'm happy after all. Do you see this girl sitting on my lap now? The one massaging my Mark and kissing me like her life depends that act, on making me forgive her. The one I said I'd go through hell for. The one I did go through hell for. The one I'll never stop loving, even if she kills me, which, I'm fairly certain she will do eventually. Yeah, her. That's why I can still be happy._

_Because she's mine, finally. Well, not exactly. I don't own her in the sense that most pureblood men would mean that. She's not mine entirely, she's still her own beautiful and dangerous person But she's not yours either. I love her and I will never let her go again._

_This time, she belongs to me just as much as I belong to her. Our relationship may not be what it was almost a year ago, but I almost think it's better now. We had to lose in order to realize just how much we need each other. Yes, that's right. She needs me just as much as I need her. And for that, I really couldn't imagine being any happier than I am now._

_The two of us are in charge of a raid later tonight and I'm so looking forward to it. I hardly recognize myself half the time but at least I'm happy for whatever twisted reason. And at least I have Bellatrix, and that's really all that matters._

The End

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to thank everybody who read and reviewed this fic. But there are a few people in particular:

Caroline - Pen name Carolinear -Whose reviews almost always included the word "more" even when I was posting daily updates. Whether or not you like my impression of Alecto, please check out hers in "My Antonin."

Sarah- Pen name Lewrahfanfics -My #1 fan (she said so) who has given me constant encouragement and actually taken my author notes seriously. She's tons of fun and her fics are great. Go check out "I Want What You Desire," it's my current favorite.

Rod2- my real life best friend who unfortunately doesn't have an account here but has provided constant positive feedback on this fic, suggested the "We only love the ones who hurt us" theme, and who deserves happiness more than Rod does.

Sheo- Pen name Sheograph - Who unofficially beta-ed my "Bellatrix the Strange 2" fic and reviewed every single one of my stories. She also gave me an analysis of Rod's attitude and progress after almost every chapter of this fic. She's amazing, please read her stories, especially "Shades of Black."

Thank you all. I have nothing but love for you. Once again, I'm sorry if you didn't like the ending or the epilogue, I'm not sure I did either... But if you want a sequel, I'll be happy to post one soon.

And here's where the title came from: 

"...She'll never know that

I'm the best that she'll never have

And when she walks

All the wind blows and the angels sing

She'll never notice me...

It's like a bad movie

She is lookin' through me

If you were me, then you'd be

Screamin', someone shoot me

As I fail miserably

Tryin' to get the girl all the bad guys want

She's the girl all the bad guys want." -B.F.S.

Bye for now. Much love. -Lia.


End file.
